We watch the day go by, stories of all we did, it made me think of you. You told me after it all, we’d remember tonight for the rest of our lives…

by scd116

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?

This September will mark the FIVE YEAR anniversary of the first time I ever set foot on European soil…And with that realisation, comes an extraordinary amount of reflection; reflection on my time in London and reflection on my time since.

At least once a month I come back to this blog and I read it from start to finish.  The posts are like love letters from an ex-fling: they taunt and they tease, but they remember and they reminisce it’s hard not to cherish them.

I’m so often asked if I miss London and the answer seems so obvious to me.  I miss it every single day.  I wake up every single day feeling like a part of me is missing because my one great love is an ocean away.  It’s the single most devastating, never ending long-distance relationship anyone could have.  I miss the sights, I miss the smells, I miss the people, I miss the freedom.  But I think what I’m really missing, deep down, is the girl who moved there 4 years ago.  She lived with abandon: no fears, no regrets, no rearview mirror.  The car moved only in forward motion, with no desire to ever shift into reverse.  In that city I was the best version of myself.  I was carefree and adventurous.  Curious and open.  I knew nothing about the world but did everything I could to memorise it inside and out.  True love opens you up and makes you vulnerable, exposes every piece of you that is rare and real.  But one never has to worry about those pieces being damaged because true love doesn’t hurt.  In that city I was open and exposed, but those tender parts were never damaged.  Because I trusted that city and it trusted me.  It opened itself up as much to me as I it, and we both escaped our one year relationship unscathed, with nothing but positives on which to focus.

I find myself reflecting on these times so often because I want that abandon back.  I want to live freely, full of adventure.    Since moving home I have found my great love in a different form, a form that is very much a part of this adventure.  My human London.  And I am ready to see where that adventure leads, but I’ve been living with no adventure, only certainty and it’s time to go back to the reverse.  Throughout the past five years, I’ve watched my rearview mirror get so large it’s obstructed the view in my windshield.  I have lived an incredible life with experiences some could only dream of- but they have been few and far between.  I have focused on fear and comfort, two things I am very unfamiliar with but that lately have been taking over.  Perhaps this is what growing up is about- thinking smarter and harder about life’s next steps.  But this creates the reality of simply existing rather than living.

If I have learned one thing throughout the past five years it’s this: it is okay to miss the past.  It is okay to change and develop into a new person,  but only if that person evolves.  I have regressed in my growth.  I have allowed London to act as the pinnacle of what success looks like in my life.  I don’t know if this is the unofficial re-opening of this blog, but it is certainly an unofficial re-opening of myself.  Because we all need an outlet- one that hones our expressions and allows us to feel.  In my time drudging through corporate America, I have lost all feeling.  And this is an attempt to get it back.  It’s another thing I can thank that beautiful city for- giving me a free pass to reflect and realise what’s missing in my life and how to get it back.

I will ALWAYS hold that city closer to my heart than most things or people.  If it can move on and change without me, then I can move on and change without it.  And when the day comes where we can reunite and be together again, for however long, we will embrace each other with open arms.  But for now , I will work to live life by the only rule I set for myself five years ago: to live with no certainty, only adventure.

Welcome back.

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